she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
