I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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