if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
