Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
