I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
