wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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