He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
