Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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