I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
