Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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