wakey wakey hands off snakey
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
