You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
This house was built for laser tag.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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