Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
