after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
