ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
