its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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