she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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