I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
