is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
