You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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