Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
zippers are such a cool invention
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize