Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
