Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
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