and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
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