I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
