Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
