I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
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