god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
