I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
