Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
