I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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