So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
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