Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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