Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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