i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
