I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
