Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
