When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
ugly people sure do ruin things
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
