I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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