decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
