Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
