I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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