my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
