I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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