Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
