when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
