I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
He is an equal opportunity slut.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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