I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
50% drunk capacity currently
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
