i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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