we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Randomize
