He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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