Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
