Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm just crazy horny about you
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
