My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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