She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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