nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
