Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Sorry about my life...
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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