I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
