No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
