I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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