3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
