Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
