I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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