I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
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