Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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